Digging Down Deep: Crying in Public

"There's no such thing as ready... You just jump onto a moving train and try not to die."

Pregnancy.

Emotions.

Life.

Emotions.

Family.

Emotions.

Guys have no idea how emotional women can be when they're pregnant. Sure, they have an idea when you're screaming at them one minute, apologizing the next, and laughing all within 5 minutes. But that is all they see. Men don't understand the emotional-ride because they have never had the opportunity to experience it first-handedly. Instead, they just think you're being psychotic. 

Wrong.

Women are emotional without pregnancy hormones. For instance, I'm sitting here at work (working ever-so hard obviously) and I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. (Tax season is slow in January hehe). With much deliberation, I chose to watch What to Expect When You Are Expecting. Great movie; but, holy crap did it send me down memory lane.

CMC and I didn't have a fairy tale pregnancy. When I was 6 months pregnant, CMC was working across the country in Arizona. Leaving a lot of details out, he and I were not exactly "together" while he was gone. Yes, we were still a couple, but at this point we were a 'couple' of  souls drifting apart. 2,189 miles to be exact. While I am sure you can imagine what happened in this situation, I had reached my breaking-point. 

Anyone who has been pregnant, can vouch for the confusing messages your brain emits.

 I remember sitting upstairs in my room, sobbing, when my mom and uncle brought to me a cake with two flaming "20" candles on top. After a hug and a kiss from my mom (who doesn't really show physical affection), she had told me to meet them downstairs to celebrate my birthday. I knew the questions would be coming and I didn't know what I was going to say. How do you explain to your mom that the father of your baby is thousands of miles away and making decisions that could vastly change the rest of your life. Not only your life... But your baby's life, too. 

(my momma and me)

But, because of Pregnancy Brain, I still wanted him in my life. I still wanted CMC in our lives.

He didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve my acceptance. 

He didn't deserve a lot and I didn't feel the need to explain myself.

Two months had passed. My belly and baby had done nothing but wiggle and grow, CMC had been stationed in a state closer to home for work, my mom and I had been making decorations and menus for the baby shower, and finally, it was time to celebrate. 

2 o'clock appeared and people were strolling into the venue with gifts and smiles.

"How are you feeling?"

"You look great!"

"Everything looks beautiful."

Without any photos to account for (crappy, huh?), we played games (like drawing your best 'baby' on a paper plate while it was on top of your head, decorating and naming the cutest baby egg and protecting it like it was your own child, and a memory game), ate food, and visited one another. At last, it was time to open gifts! While I had sat in the middle of all of these wonderful blessings, my dad had loudly said to CMC, "Go up there with her!" CMC shook his head and didn't budge. At the time, I had thought nothing of it and had only figured he was being "shy."

Later that evening, I had found out that CMC was texting The Issues from Arizona the entire duration of the baby shower. 

At this point, details don't matter and I'm not going to explain how I had found all of this out.

Sitting upstairs, after hitting the absolute last nerve, CMC had entered my doorway and asked me what was wrong. Little did he know, that two-worded question would end up being one of the longest and hardest conversations he and I would ever have. Sitting on the stairs, I can remember the conversation vividly.

"Why would you do that to me; to us?"

"The baby shower. You couldn't take a break for a few hours?"

"Do you really think I want you to help me raise this child when you can't even get your own priorities straight?"

"...and you're absolutely nuts if you think you deserve for this baby to carry on your last name. At this point, you're nothing but a disgrace. I don't want my son growing up thinking it's okay to treat women the way you do; let alone, his mother."

"It takes a really awful person to hurt the woman carrying your child, the way you've hurt me."

I will never forget that day.

I will never forget the obstacles that lead up to that point and there after. Ever.

A lot of people have told me that in order to forgive and move on, I have to let go of the past. I don't care. It has been nearly two years from that occurrence and I recollect it like it was this morning.

There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I have come to the point where I forgive CMC, but never in my existing years do I foresee myself forgetting what has happened and how he has damaged me.

How does this tie into the Netflix-watching?

The baby shower shoots.

Every kiss that had been on screen during the shower, every opened gift, every mommy and daddy photo taken, every 'happy' moment that appeared on screen amounted to the tears emerging from my eyes.  

Cue the violins, right?

An awkward employee and another movie starting,