Pooping in Public

Let's all get the awkwardness out of the air; Yes, I said POOP.

Why are people so weird about poop!?

Pooping is a double-standard. Like, why is it totally normal for a man to talk about it, but completely disgusting for a woman to even think about mentioning it? 

No. Forget that.

If I have to poop, I'm gonna go. If I have to "toot," I'm gonna "pfff."

It is absolutely healthy to poop and it is a natural function of the digestive system.

BUT! Hold-the-phone, if a female let's a little fart out, shit hits the roof

(see what I did there?).

When it comes down to my boyfriend and I, we tend to get into caddy arguments all the time about pooping and farting. (This might sound slightly contradictory to everything I just mentioned, but so be it). When CMC farts, it is catastrophic. The floor shakes, the blankets ruffle, and my lunch starts to immediately come-up from my stomach. There is never an "in-between" flatulent that leaves that man's ass. It is either super silent or obnoxiously loud.

After about the 7th ass-rip in minutes, yeah, I start to get a little annoyed!

There is a difference between letting out some pressure and needing to take your gassy-self to the bathroom.

At what point do you start to get mad at someone for indecently farting up-a-storm?

When you can barely breath or when the person realizes that the next fart is going to leave stains in their undies?

This one time, back when I was pregnant, CMC and I were hanging out upstairs in his room at his parent's house and apparently CMC had eaten something baaaaad.

He let out a couple "toots" and everything was fine. But after the forth nose-twitcher, I said, "Babe, stop. It's not funny anymore."

With sincerity, CMC replied by letting out the nastiest farts in history.

I got up off the bed, waddled my pregnant ass down the stairs, flailed myself into the bathroom, and deposited my last three meals into the toilet bowl.

After I cleaned myself up, I slithered my way back up the stairs, bawling my eyes out.

When I opened the door, CMC saw my face full of tears, and busted out laughing.

I will never, ever, forget that story.

Funny thing, whenever I tell a male that story, he unapologetically thinks it is the funniest thing they have ever heard!

See what I'm saying?!

DOUBLE STANDARD.

There are other times that I've heard CMC talking to some guys and something will come out of his mouth like, "Man, I took a dump yesterday and I swear it filled the entire hole and-then-some." To which the other person will reply, "Well shit, man, did you take a picture of it and send it to so-n-so!? He would have loved that."

I'm sorry... WHAT!?

Females can't even mention pooping, but men can talk about it, take photos of it, AND send it to people?

Who the hell made up these rules?!

Luckily, CMC and I have stepped over that boundary. We talk about poop and fart in front of each other. Heck, there have been times where CMC Dutch-ovens me and look, he is still alive! What I don't get is why people hide it from one another or why people are so grossed out when they use a public restroom and someone is pooping...

Stahhhp it.

Do you really think you're being cute by telling your boyfriend you don't poop?

Do you really think he believes it?

You've been dating this dude for three years, now, and you still don't fart in front of him...?

Come on.

Or how about when you're at the store using the restroom and there is someone in the next stall pooping... Why is it such a big deal?!

Shit is natural!

If you gotta go, you gotta go!

Close the stall door, do your business, flush the toilet, wash your hands, and keep it moving!

Everybody poops.

Damn.